Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Looking For the Power to Accept

PrayImage by frozenminds via Flickr I am trying very hard to keep it together these days. The aproaching new school year (tomorow is the first of September and the first day of school for the Israeli pupils) brings back only bad memories. If you've been reading my blog since, lets say, the beginning of 2010 you should know the health problems my daughter Maya had, combined with the dissapoinment brought by the Israeli educational system or, better the lack of it.
Last year destroyed me, humiliated me, beat me to the ground. I had to live for two months with the with incertanity, not knowing if my daughter's brain is OK or not. Before that, I spent my nights near her hospital bed, too afraid to sleep...what if she'll have one of her fits again? Even now, when she's sick, I cannot sleep at night, no matter how tired I am.
Yesterday we had some sort of meeting at Maya's kindergarten and that made things even worse. I learned that now there are going to be 35 kids in ONE group, with ONE teacher and ONE helper. It is madness, crazy, you name it! 35 five kids and one teacher? All together in a room that is no bigger than my living room, I swear. And only TWO toilets! Well, the things are getting worse, that's for sure. Last year, there were 31 kids in the kindergarten and I thought this year it couldn't be worse. Well, it is. They don't have enought tables for the kids and even if they would, there is not enough place for at least 8 tables and 35 chairs.
The only light at the end of the tunnel is that I can keep her for one more year at home, if I want. Kindergarten is compulsory in Israel only when kids are 5 years old. And believe me, I will use this for Maya's own good. I can enroll her in some afternoon activities, like drawing and dance and that's it. I can teach her everything she needs to know. This is what I've been doing for the past year anyway, thank you very much...
I hope to keep my sanity and my daughter safe. This prayer is helping me a lot:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

It is Reihold Reinburh's "Serenity Prayer".
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Monday, August 30, 2010

Dissapointment, I Despise You!

Yes, I know, I know, I've been MIA for a long time (well, three weeks in bloggy-terms it is a long time), but I am back now, with a vengeance!

The reason why I went missing? Basically, too much bleah in my life lately.
Too much dissapointment.
You know, the imposibility to be where I am dreaming of being. Friends that forget about you the moment you've turned your back, people "helping" you when you didn't ask for it; simply too many problems that seem insurmontable, too much dissapointment, too much loneliness.

Someone once said to me that I have exagerated expectations from the people around me. That I expect them to be the way I am, and that it is not possible.

So, expect nothing and you'll receive plenty? Hard to believe.

Anyway, I am back now and I hope life will be merciful enough not to burden me with too heavy feelings and hapenings...

Love you all and thank your being here with and for me...

Monday, August 9, 2010

Me and My Inner Sisyphus

Sisyphus by Titian, 1549Image via Wikipedia

I know, I know, I haven't been behaving nicely on my blog...I haven't written in a while...but my soul is in such a turmoil I don't seem able to quiet it down. So, the tempest going on in my head makes a racket, the hugest, and I am not able to concentrate enough to produce some readable and enjoyable piece of post.
It all started when we returned from our holiday in Romania and I found myself living the same tragedy of leaving my country that I'd experienced almost eleven years ago. Somehow, the perspective is different and so am I, but that doesn't mean it is easier for me to cope with the reality. I've been making lists of good things happening in my life, you know , some sort of "count your blessings" master list to blue tac on my fridge and read it everytime I feel homesick. And God is my witness, I have so many positive stuff in my life, I acknowledge it and give my thanks for it. But, darn it, everytime I say this, something comes to blow my bubble of self-contentment... This time, it was a book. I've read it all in a breath and I was like, wow...it blew my mind away. It is Lisa Jewell's "The Truth About Melody Browne". After I finished it, I put it down and stared into space and felt like an idiot. I mean, not in a thousand years I am going to be able to write a book like that...no way...
I have to tell you that this writing business is one the things that keeps me sane, keeps me ticking. Writing for me is like breathing and the hope that some day I would be able to finish a fiction book gives me a reason to fight off the demons. Well, I know a thing or two about writing, as I was (still am?) a professional journalist, I published a non-fiction book and so on. But I did it in Romanian, my mother tongue and now I am struggling to find my voice as a writer IN ENGLISH. And a struggle it is. I don't know, writing in English seems the right thing to do (at the moment at least) and even though it gives me headaches and nightmares I still think I am on the right path...Well, until I stumble across a piece of work like Lisa Jewell's, that is.
So, yeah, it is a Sisyphean task and yeah I constantly feel the urge to burn all those written pages I so proudly call "my book". And yes, now nad then I feel I am crap but ocassionally I am so pleased with myself and if you think I am going to give up, you're wrong. I AM NOT. Because life is a fight and I am such a damn good fighter...

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Little Miss Sunshine - A Photo Post

You know me, I am the one with a dark disposition...I am depressive and melancholic. But God really blessed me by giving me my daughter, Maya. She is all I am not, a happy little soul, and she brings laughter and balance in my life.

She was no different during our holiday in Romania. She took everything so well, naturally, as if she'd been living in Romania all her life. And remember, it was her first time outside the home, as well. I can tell you, I was amazed by her capacity to adapt.
She met her cousins, made new friends (as, for example, Harry the huge boxer dog) and enchanted everybody with her smile and sunny disposition.

She played, conquered the watermelon, ate ice cream with gusto, enjoyed her saussages, fed the pidgeons, smelled the flowers, threw a coin in the wishing well and sometimes just wanted to be a bit naughty...