Thursday, January 27, 2011

Words, Writing, Words

I cannot sleep or concentrate at the moment (and no, I didn't drink too much cofffee). Maya threw up this evening...come on, don't give me that look, I am not overeacting...we have such a sad history of stomach viruses, remember? Yeah, maybe this time she ate too much and jumped on the bed and fought with his father, maybe....but that didn't settle my nerves, you know. Not when all the kids I know are sick with some virus or another. I mean, it is madness...everybody is sick. I don't remember back in Romania, when my son was Maya's age , I don't recall him to be sick all the time, or the kids at the kindy or his friends. Here, for the last two years, since my daughter came in contact with kids all I remember is her being sick. When she's at home, she's fine...I came to loathe the moment she returns to the kindergarten, although she loves being there so much I cannot refuse it to her...

Anyway, here I am, a bundle of nerves, just writing to calm my jittery stomach and to think about, I don't know, anything really...and I God, I am old. I am 45, for God's sake, too old to be doing this...And what about me, my life, my achievements? Since I came to Israel I managed to do nothing important, nothing spectacular, like I once dreamed of doing...

I mean, look at me, I wrote a book, a real book, some 12 years ago, I even managed to publish some poems, not to talk about my profession...Journalist, how glam was that? And now I just sit here feeling sorry for myself and writing the same sentence over and over again. I want to finish writing this book I am working at long? don't remember...I am absolutely obsessed with it, I have to tell this story...but it is not easy...not easy at all, with all the distractions and the fact that I am writing it in English, altough it is not my mother tongue and sometimes the words refuse to come...It happened to me one night when I was trying to work out a tricky description, and i just couldn't...OK, what I did was I wrote it in Romanian, and the words just came and settled themselves on the paper...And no, don't ask me why I don't write in Romanian...because I want you too to be able to read it, that's why...

Well, I've written enough don't you think? I have to go check on Maya and maybe, just maybe return to the white sheets of paper waiting for me (and no, it is not all right that Dasha the cat is sleeping on them just now)...

Good night friends, whoever and wherever you are...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Who's Been A Bad Girl?

If you want to know how I caved in and spend some money, come and visit me at my "good girl" (not anymore) blog...

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Diary of a Nutcase Mother (a Tragi-Comedy in Two Acts)

In the good tradition of mother written diaries, I want to share with you a day in my life as a staying at home mother on the verge of colapse. I even have two variations, as you will see.

The Type A Day

I usually wake up a 7,oo a.m , prepare Maya her breakfast, kindergarten snack, clothes and stuff. Maya is up at 7,30 -7,45 and we're out at 8,20. In between combing her hair and trying to convince her to eat I manage to brush my teeth, drink my coffee in two gulps and on a very good day to put my sweater the way it should be put . I am known to go out with my t-shirt inside out, or in my slippers etc etc. I usually change in the elevator. Or not.

Home from the kindy I do the shopping, tidy the house, cook, laundry... Domestic stuff mainly. On a good day I even eat breakfast myself and manage some browsing on the internet. Checking the e-mail is compulsory.

At 13.15 I go to fetch Maya from the kindy.

Back home, I shower her, we eat together luch and then the (my) afternoon is hers entirely.

At aproximately 18.3o her father returns hom from work, I serve dinner and then I begin the battle known as putting Maya to sleep. After some TV, several bedtime stories and uncountable escaping attemps from Maya, at 8.30 she is asleep. I tidy again the house (or at least the living room and kitchen) and at 21,30 I am at my desk, trying to write. I am usually so hyped or tired that I cannot hold a pen between my fingers. I drink a coffee and some Diet Coke and try to recollect my thoughts. Thoughts recollected, I have to go to bed as I am not able to write. Nothing comes. Nada. Zero. In bed, I read until my eyes hurt and then I try to fall asleep. Then, the other thoughts, bad bad thoughts start creeping on me. Sometimes, also the cat. Finally, at 2,00 I manage to fall asleep. At 3,00 I woke up as the cat is licking my toes. I put the cat out. The cat scratches at the door. I take the cat and shut her in the kitchen. 4,00 o'clock and I am wide - eyed awake. At 5,00 I finally fall asleep...for two hours.

And this is a good day.

Variant Number Two, or the Type B Days

This applies to the days when my daughter is sick. Then I get caught in a carousel of doctors, ER, worries, medicine, high fever, panic attacks, coffee, lots of coffee, and there is no day or night, just me, waching over Maya. Because my husband works in another city I have to deal with all the problems by myself. The last time Maya was very sick I panicked like I never did. I even dropped my cellphone in the bath (Maya had a very high fever and I was giving her a bath to lower the fever) as I tried calling the doctor's office. I remember I kept calling and nobody answered, not at the clinic, and I called her homeopath, a great guy and he told me to take her to the emergency room at our health clinic. I don't drive and even if I did, my husband's got the car, so I remeber putting her in the old buggy and pushing her like a madwoman./

When Maya is sick I also get sick, literally. I have fierce stomach aches and...stuff. I usually drop a few kilos (not to worry, I quickly put them back, as I tend to eat lots of sweets when she starts feeling better).

Then, there are the in-between days, when Maya is on the mend and we're at home and she has my full attention because there is nobody really besides me. This are the days when I don't see anybody beside her, my husband and sometimes my son. I don't talk to anybody, nobody calls,nodoby knows if I am dead or alive. Sometimes, they call from the kindy to check on Maya. Also, in between meetings, my husband call from work. I am lucky I get the newspaper and I have the internet, otherwise I wouldn't know what happens outside our apartment.

And still, minding my daughter is the best thing that happened to me in the last ten years. It is really a blessing to be able to be with her, see her growing, becoming a person...Ifd anything, I am a happy (although slightly mad and very depressed) mother.

Before I finish I have to ask myself...if each day I tidy, cook, do domestic stuff how comes my house is always a pigsty and there is never anything to eat?

What is Wrong With Me????

Panic Attack or Anxiety PTSDImage via Wikipedia Somedays, well, most of them, I think I am defective. I am made wrongly, something doesn't fit, something is not in the right place. Could I blame it on my childhood? Genes? Chemical imbalance? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? And if it really is wrong, how to fix it? I mean, look at me, I always find problems and faults, even though there aren't any.

At night, I cannot sleep because I think about death and dying and I have panic attacks. I am afraid to send my daughter to kindergarten because of diseases and viruses. You cannot blame me, after what happened last year....still, I am not able to get over it. If I fall asleep, I wake up to check on Maya, then I continue to worry. Sometimes, the worry gets physical and I get sick. I try not to think negative thoughts, I watch comedies, I read good books. While I am doing it, it is fine. Afterwards, it is business as usual.

I try to write but I am so exhausted mentally that I cannot concentrate.

I feel ashamed while writing this, believe me, because I know there is so much real pain and suffering in this world. But I canot help feeling what I feel. And I have to write about it, otherwise I'll go crazy, for sure. Even if nobody gives a damn about it. I write for me, sometimes when you recognize the fear and isolate it, you can watch it directly in the face and try to find a way to cope.

I think that the stars are not aligned the right way for me. Because it doesn't matter what I try to do, I fail. Oh, and usually everything I could try costs money. Cheering up needs a lot of cash and I am not there, not anymore.
I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore. Because every time I am doing it, I see an old, ugly, unhappy person.
My husband says he doesn't see me smiling like I used to, in the beginning...

My only happy moments are with my daughter. When I look at her, I realize I have to do something, for her sake. Because she needs me and I have to teach her how to fly. And I am afraid I forgot how to do it...

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Saturday, January 22, 2011

About a Nice Bowl of Soup and Saving Money...

Please go over to my other blog - One Year Without a Dime and read about how I concoted a huge pot of chicken soup for Maya while being very thrifty... Yummy!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Odd Thought...Really...Not Much so Don't Bother Reading

I don't know what is happening with me lately...I really hoped that this year, 2011, will be more...I don't know...or I'll be more...and instead, I became lazy and I am just having this "couldn't be bothered attitude" towards things that I know are important. For me, I mean.
Maya is feeling better but to tell you the truth, I am keeping her with me at home, for now. The flu is having a great time here, in Israel, the hospitals are full, at Maya's kindy almost half of the kids are sick. So I am not taking any chances. But that also means I don't have place in my mind for anything else, not much, anyway. And I always have this feeling I am not doing enough for her, so I tend to transform our living room into some sort of playroom cum kindergarten and I plan for her fun and learning activities. And the time just flies and in the evenings my head is so full it keeps buzzing like I have an angry bee trapped in my skull. And then there are good nights stories and kisses and hugs and I am so tired I just reach for the book (or Kindle) that's on my nightstand. I've been reading a lot these days. Soon I'll post about those books. I am only telling you that I discovered Cornelia Funke and I am amazed. I read "The Thief Lord" and "Inkheart" and I am making my way through "Inkspell". The woman is amazing.

I keep looking at myself in the mirror and I see I am getting old and that frightens me because I didn't do half of the things I wanted to and isn't just the time flying...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

One Big Question...

Question markImage via Wikipedia I was asking myself a question on my other blog and maybe you could help me, also...
Please go there and read my post..
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Monday, January 10, 2011

Little Luxuries and a Phenomenal Article

taken by משתמש:HmbrImage via Wikipedia Maybe this post would be more appropriate on my other blog, because it talks about one of my luxuries, something I cannot live without and that is a newspaper subscription.
As a former journalist, I have to know what happens in Israel and the world and because I don't exactly read in Hebrew, I have a subscription to the English edition of "Ha'aretz" (it comes together with "International Herald Tribune", so two newspapers at the price of one, it's a deal, isn't it?). I like "Ha'aretz" very much (and no, they didn't pay me to say this), they are always spot on and also more left than right and not that religious.
Usually reading an Israeli newspaper it is not something to make you smile, but this morning Bradley Burston's "When the Messiah comes, Israel will deport him" made me laugh, actually...
Please read the article HERE. The article sums up with lots of humor the atmosphere of the Israeli society at the beginning of this new year (era?).

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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Gothic Reading Challenge - Take One

The ambulatory built by Abbot Suger remains un...Image via Wikipedia As I am a very eclectic reader, I don't plan in advance what I am going to read...I go according to moods, in general. This year I've joined the Gothic Reading Challenge and this is my first post about it. By chance, I've already read two books that could be cataloged "gothic", or at least, have gothic elements. The first one is "Wuthering Bites" by Sarah Gray , and as you can see from the name, the book is a "remake" of the classical "Wuthering Heighs". I have to say it is the first book of this kind that I actually finish and enjoy. I tried "Jane Slayer" and "Little Women and Werewolves" but...yuck, no thank you. Maybe the theme in Wuthering fits the vampire literature genre or maybe the author knew how to spin the tale...the result was not spectacular, but OK, I guess. I also liked the cover.
Secondly, I've just finished "The Passage" by Justin Cronin. Again, my reaction was...lukewarm. I liked the idea and the first part of the book, but then the book became too much for my taste. A bit boring at certain moments...Seven hundred and something pages...come on...and, of course, it left me with the felling that the book is kind of...unfinished...are we talking about a sequel?"
(Well, I am an idiot...of course it is all over the internet that "The Passage" is the first book in a trilogy). Everybody is very hyped about the book, I think a shorter version would've do the trick. well, I found some people on good reads that thought like myself, that it is too much going on in the middle of the book, so I am not the only one...But I would highly recommend "The Passage", it is a very good read and Cronin is a very good atmosphere builder...
I don't know which book will be the next, for now I am reading "The Wizard Heir" by Cinda Williams Cima. A nice read...a bit Percy Jackson, but OK. Although I need to let the reading aside to do some writing of my own...

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Dreaming of Things I Could've Done

It is the beginning of a new week, here in Israel. Maya is still a bit sick, so she is staying at home for now. And that means I am spending my days my daughter's style, and that implies a lot of "activities" as she calls them: spelling, worksheets, reading, drawing, painting, coloring and such. I also have a lot of "help" when doing housework or cooking, which means everything takes at least three times longer to do than usual. But I don't want to discourage her, so staying at home with Maya means a lot of patience also. And not much time to do anything else. In the evening I am so tired, mentally and physically that I drop like a drunken fly. So I read her bedtime stories, I listen to Maya's soothing music and read till my eyes sting and then I dream of things I could've done but forgot or simply couldn't be bothered.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Belated Christmas Pressie - I Got a Kindle!!!

In an attempt to convince me not to buy more books - maybe because our house looks like you can see from the pictures, my dear husband got us/me a Kindle! My beautiful daughter is modelling for it...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

For New Beginnings!

Another beginnigImage by aeter via Flickr I have another blog, or better said, my blog has a younger sister. It is called "One Year Without a Dime" and I've just written the first post. Come and visit!
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Saturday, January 1, 2011

Oh, Come On, It Is the First of January!!!

Nothing newImage by Adam2115 via Flickr Speaking about bad beginnings...I said earlier I don'tlike resolutions,or plan,because there is always something that comes along and spoils everything...
It is the first of January.. New year, new beginnings, right? So why does it feel like nothing changed? ..
Maya is sick, she had a bad head cold, sneezes and has a very stuffy nose. We also began treatment with some nasal spray (as she cannot sleepat night becuase of her nose and the dr said it is likely to be some allergy, I am not convinced, though) and I am watching her closely because after I read the medicine's leaflet I am waiting for side effects. "Does her left cheek look swollen up?", I am continuously asking myself,"Is that a rash on her cheeks?"
I am going crazy with worry. So, same old me...
I didn't cook anything yesterday so no good food in the new year. Of course because I want to be frugal I forgot to buy important stuff, like,f or example, a chicken for the soup? I said I am going frugal, but still,I cannot cook chicken soup without the main ingredient. Or without vegetables...I have only the carrots...
We are also catsitting for Prince, Dasha's father. His owners went to Barcelone for the New Year. And Dasha is beyond herself, as she hates Prince's guts. Shefollows him everywhere, spits and wants to beat him up... So, add one over-excited cat to the combination...
Nothing really changes, right?
Nothing good ever happens to me...

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