Words, Writing, Words

I cannot sleep or concentrate at the moment (and no, I didn't drink too much cofffee). Maya threw up this evening...come on, don't give me that look, I am not overeacting...we have such a sad history of stomach viruses, remember? Yeah, maybe this time she ate too much and jumped on the bed and fought with his father, maybe....but that didn't settle my nerves, you know. Not when all the kids I know are sick with some virus or another. I mean, it is madness...everybody is sick. I don't remember back in Romania, when my son was Maya's age , I don't recall him to be sick all the time, or the kids at the kindy or his friends. Here, for the last two years, since my daughter came in contact with kids all I remember is her being sick. When she's at home, she's fine...I came to loathe the moment she returns to the kindergarten, although she loves being there so much I cannot refuse it to her...

Anyway, here I am, a bundle of nerves, just writing to calm my jittery stomach and to think about, I don't know, anything really...and I think....my God, I am old. I am 45, for God's sake, too old to be doing this...And what about me, my life, my achievements? Since I came to Israel I managed to do nothing important, nothing spectacular, like I once dreamed of doing...

I mean, look at me, I wrote a book, a real book, some 12 years ago, I even managed to publish some poems, not to talk about my profession...Journalist, how glam was that? And now I just sit here feeling sorry for myself and writing the same sentence over and over again. I want to finish writing this book I am working at for...how long? don't remember...I am absolutely obsessed with it, I have to tell this story...but it is not easy...not easy at all, with all the distractions and the fact that I am writing it in English, altough it is not my mother tongue and sometimes the words refuse to come...It happened to me one night when I was trying to work out a tricky description, and i just couldn't...OK, what I did was I wrote it in Romanian, and the words just came and settled themselves on the paper...And no, don't ask me why I don't write in Romanian...because I want you too to be able to read it, that's why...

Well, I've written enough don't you think? I have to go check on Maya and maybe, just maybe return to the white sheets of paper waiting for me (and no, it is not all right that Dasha the cat is sleeping on them just now)...

Good night friends, whoever and wherever you are...